Setting Sail – the Unforeseen Journey Part II

This post is Part II of  The Unforeseen Journey.  Read Part I here.

I am not sure if you have found yourself in uncharted waters; or how or where you were when your Unforeseen Journey began, but mine began last May, late on a Sunday evening when my husband said he wanted to talk and sat me on the couch.

He made a confession and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He loved me and said I was a great wife and mother, but there were areas in which I was lacking. He needed change. He continued only to say there was nothing I could do, no counseling could help. It was just over.

That was 11 months ago; he hasn’t changed his mind.

After his announcement he left, his work taking him overseas. He left me! My best friend was gone.

I didn’t know what hurt more, the loss of my husband or the loss of my best friend. It is amazing to have spent over 15 years with someone that you talked to every day, that you shared your life with, all your hopes, your dreams, all your burdens and joys; and they decide without you that this beautiful and incredible marriage you thought you had is over. This was a decision he had made without me. He just told me and that was that.

He left me here with our four precious daughters. I spent my nights and any moment that I could get away from them crying. I was a mess. I still had to get up each and every new and horrible morning and figure out how to function. Dread had set in; how was I to explain away the sight my children had to look upon as I woke them to another homeschool day?

I couldn’t even bring myself to take them to church that first Sunday. What was once a place of encouragement, of spoken hope and a place of love, was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn’t go more than an hour without crying; how could I sing praises to my Creator, my Heavenly Father?

Then one evening, once again locked in my bedroom just lying there crying, I somehow rolled out of bed (I may have been pushed by a heavenly force :o) ) and I cried out to God.

I think all I said was WHY? Not much more transpired on my end. But I know making the first attempt to even communicate with God was exactly what I needed. It was shortly after that long and empty cry when the verse about “giving thanks for all things” came to my mind.

Deep down, I knew I needed to thank God for what was happening. I knew in my long-time relationship with Him, and being in His Word, the answers were there.  It was where I needed to start. I was beginning to remember who He was. I knew He was still in control. I knew that nothing could ever happen in this world without His allowing it. I also knew He was not cruel or took pleasure in my suffering. The God I believe in, the God of the Bible had promises for me and I knew His promises. I knew His character. He was calling; He was trying to get my attention. And He had gotten it.

As I began to move forward the pain was still there, the pain IS still here. God has not removed the pain. God has not changed my husband’s heart. I still have dark days and I even have times I feel God is not here, as if He has abandoned me. But instead of accepting that horrible lie, I am learning to embrace what the darkness brings. I willingly accept the darkness, because I am running after the blessing, the blessing that comes in our brokenness and despair as we seek Him; the blessing of knowing our God more deeply.

In Genesis, Jacob found himself in the darkness. He was going to be meeting up with his brother Esau, the brother that wanted to kill him before he ran off to his uncle’s. As he got closer to the land of his brother, Jacob first divided up his servants and flocks and sent them on ahead. Shortly after, he sent his wives and children off. Jacob found himself alone, at night. He found himself in the darkness of night, and it was there in the darkness where he wrestled with God. They wrestled all night and as the morning light was upon them Jacob wouldn’t let go until he got a blessing. He would NOT let go until he got a BLESSING!

I may not be physically wrestling with the Angel of the Lord, but when I find myself in the darkness I am not going to let go. I want the blessing. Even if my marriage is never restored; even if I still cry ten years from now at the loss of my best friend. I want the blessing of knowing my God more. I want the peace and the joy that comes from resting in Him and His plan for my life.

The remainder of my unforeseen journey from today on may continue to remain unclear to me, not because I did something wrong, or because God wants to hide something from me, but because God wants to teach me and lead me in the way I should go, one day at a time. And even though it is unclear, it is not so scary, when I know it will be a journey of hope, it will be a journey of restoration and healing and when I get to the end of this journey all things will be made clear.  I hope I will be found faithful in my journey and that from ashes will come beauty that will sing praises to God.

As I write this post, 11 months into the unexpected, it has more often than not been a bit rocky. I have experienced many different emotions. There was anger, fear, worry and guilt (that is a very small list). But by God’s loving kindness, I am finding forgiveness, hope, peace and love. I am willing to share those lessons learned with you if you wish to travel along with me.

I hope you will take a minute and Listen to this new song by Mercy Me: “Even If”

Save

Save

Save

Save