I began my next post called The Wilderness multiple times.
I started and restarted, but couldn’t quite get past the first paragraph with a few scribbled thoughts to follow. Thinking a day or two would help me regroup, doubt entered and I couldn’t shake it.
A few more days passed and my oldest told me a friend at youth group told her she had read my blog. Even though my two oldest know about my blogging our situation, and have given me their blessing, she was grieved. She is my most reserved child, also very private, and someone other than family or dearest friends knowing was hard for her.
So, I put the post off a few more days.
Checking once again with my girls, telling them that if this was too painful for them, I would stop; with their blessing I picked up paper and pen and started again. Only to set it down again.
The Virginia State Gymnastics Championships, the last week of school, and state testing were upon us, followed by a two week visit from the children’s father and his parents – all of whom stayed in our home with us.
Well, next my anger followed at some unsolicited and unjustified comments, accompanied by unforgiveness, pride, resulting in the loss of peace and joy. Once again, doubt returned. Doubt in my ability to offer anything to anyone who reads my blog.
So here I am, six weeks later not writing about The Wilderness, but The Storm.
An Oswald Chambers devotion reminded me that Peter, who stepped out of the boat onto the raging waters, eyes on Jesus, allowed the boisterous winds and the waves to take control of his faith. And down he went.
My eyes were not on Jesus anymore. They were back on me and thinking my own thoughts of what I should be doing.
The winds of doubt were distracting me, the waves of unforgiveness, anger and my pride were crashing over me and taking me down. I was hearing the words of my Lord, as Peter did; “oh ye of little faith”
How did I get here? Why was I in the storm? Why was I struggling with the same things again? Sadly, I know why, I just don’t want to admit them to you or to myself.
I wasn’t trusting in my Lord, knowing He has plans for my good or waiting on Him to work through my circumstances. I was trusting in myself to move on in the Journey and wanting to rush through the questioning and answers of His Will and purpose so that I could get to the end of this. I had a plan on how I wanted to share what God was taking me through and how I was handling each thing that came my way.
Have you noticed how many times I have said I? I believe there lies my problem. I want to be seen as strong, in control of all that is happening to my family. But how will anyone see Him; How will God get the Glory in that?
At the end of my journey, I don’t want to say, “But I did everything I thought I should do.” If that is my end thought, then I will not be getting His end results.
I am to let go and let God. That does not mean I sit and do nothing. Absolute Surrender is everything to God. It is the only thing we have to give God; to give Him our thoughts, our plans and our life; that is not doing nothing.
A life surrendered to God and His will is what the Journey is all about.
So if you find yourself in the storm, the boisterous winds distracting you and the waves crashing down upon you, I hope you can let go of trying to control things, close your ears to all the outside voices (and personal opinions), and that you can set your heart and your eyes back upon our Lord and Savior who has promised not to let the waters consume us, and to set our feet upon the rock.
Until next time, where we may meet in The Wilderness;
May “The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”
**The response to the song I added to my last post was incredible. So here is another one, I hope it will encourage you in the letting go.
Deanna Lynam says
Thank you Amy for sharing your heart on this matter of resting in the LORD instead of running ahead of Him.
I think that must apply to all of us who so want the LORD’s perfect will, purpose and plan, but yet find ourselves trying to operate in our own strength. I love you dear lady and am praying that the LORD will direct each step of your journey in His good and perfect timing.
Love you,
Deanna 🙂
Marlene Page says
What a privilege to have you in my life – you are a vessel of Honor to our majestic, loving sovereign God.
You are in the refining season where the dross is slowly, consistently being purified, bringing forth the gold of righteousness and glory of Christ in your life.
You are often in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on being “held!!”